Eating salad in the bath = soggy lettuce

Madmummy is scoffing chicken salad in the bath. She knows it’s not right, proper or normal, but she is past the point of caring. The Hulk fell asleep on the way back from dropping Jabbermonkey off, and she is determined to cram in some self-care while she can.

She has suffered from what she believes to be hay fever since the weekend. An ailment she had developed during her pregnancy with Jabbermonkey (oh the joys). To add to this she had also had the typical insomnia that always seem to occur when her body needs rest he most.  She has tried to dose during the last two days to make up for her sleep deprevation. The duvet came downstairs, however  Madmummy was not allowed to lay in it for more than 10 minutes. Jabbermonkey demand mummy help him to make bunting for his party and the Hulks bottomless-pit of a stomach called. Feeling utterly exhausted, itchy and with a throbbing headache Madmummy wanted no drama. So she dutifully passed the Hulk whatever his finger pointed to and did what Jabbermonkey asked. Om Monday afternoon she had thought she might get the Hulk to have a nap with her. However he was not tired and wanted mummy to draw for him. “You want an elephant?” Madmummy muttered wearily  and the Hulk passed her the Magna-doodle pen, as he nodded his approval.

Today she felt revitalized since having a full 6 hours sleep (woooptedoo!!!) However the stresses of yesterday are fresh in her mind, as is the greasy hair on top her head (having not had a shower since the weekend) . Apart from struggling on through the usual chores and child caring, she  has needed to collect all the Avon brochures from her neighbours. She then had to get to work early so that she could leave early and pick up the children from her mother-in laws at 8pm (as Hubbykinds had to go to rehearsals). Predictably she had been stuck on a call and was late leaving the office. She managed to make the 1 mile journey in 15 minutes. It would have been made easier has she not damages her Achilles’ tendon a few weeks ago and was still suffering from a very stiff and painful heel.

Hobbling as fast as she could she made it to her mother-in-laws just 6 minutes past 8pm. She then pushed her children home, collecting the odd Avon brochure on the way. After the usual struggled to get them dressed for bed, she had read no less than 5 books to appease them. During this the Jabbermonkey had to be told several times to remain silent, and stop jumping around. As she was about to leave Jabbermonkey informed her that he needed a wee. It was now almost 9pm. The Hulk objected to her leaving and cried at the door, as per usual. Madmummy lifted him back to bed twice,  telling him “no- bedtime-lie down”. She then gave up, closed the door and went downstairs.

At this point she needed to place the orders for her Avon customers. The deadline was 10:00pm! The orders were disappointingly low this week, and after double checking she sent through her order. For the first month since starting Avon she had made no commission. As there was no-one to moan to and, frankly other pressing concerns, she swallowed any sense of failure and proceeded to make herself dinner at 10pm. She desperately wanted sleep, but did not wish to risk being awoken by hunger pangs. So in went a pizza into the oven. Madmummy read the instructions to check the cooking time,  only to discover that the pizza should NOT have been frozen and that there were no cooking times from frozen!

After 20 minutes on high Madmummy decided it would just have to do. A glass of wine in one hand and 4 slices of pizza in the other, she had plodded up to bed. Before her foot felt the bottom step a little voice said “I need he toilet”. Running on autopilot with an empty tank, Madmummy’s bones rattled up the stairs to open the door. The Hulk lay limply on the floor asleep and Madmummy had to push his body with the door to release Jabbermonkey. She then squeezed her curvy form through the crack of the door, heaved the Hulk’s dead weight from the floor and placed him back to bed for the third,  and hopefully,  final time.

She sat up in bed  and scoffed the  undercooked pizza. It was doughy and tasted awful, but she didn’t care. After drinking down her wine – she slept…waking once when Hubbykins came home at midnight. She had cursed the super-sensitive  hearing that she had acquired since having children. It’s a superpower that allows her to sense what child is where, what they are doing and what with. She can also tell from the tone of their cries ( or even their silence) what danger or mischief they are in. The downside to this heightening of senses is that she is unable to sleep though a child battering the door at 6am, or her husbands breathing at 2am.  However last night Madmummy fall back to sleep and did not begin to awaken until 6am. 6 hours straight sleep felt was like lithium after 2 nights of almost none and best of all she had a rota day off today!

Jabbermonkey had been contrary, demanding and rude all morning (due to the late night and early start). He could barely form sentences and had found this most frustrating. He had been sent to the naughty step and even smacked on the bottom for being rude and impatient. Madmummy can’t recall what he was moaning about, nor does she wish to relive it. Suffice to say everything she wanted him to do he didn’t want to do, and whatever he wanted to do, mummy was doing it wrong. She does recall that the Hulk had emptied the paint and play dough cupboard of its contents. After this she had been coerced into doing play-dough. Splitting her time between assisting both boys simultaneously was always a challenge. Today Jabbermonkey was more needy and less independent than usual, so he was stroppy with her when she did not respond swiftly to his requests for help. On one such occasion she had needed to put him second as the Hulk was trying to eat the Playdough. When she dared to deny him he was incapable of understanding her explanation, due to his fatigue, and got more cross.

In between meeting her children’s demands she rushed about to try completing the necessary household tasks, too numerous and mundane to name all of. One such task was hovering and cleaning the mess made by the playdough, the lunchtime crumbs and the dog hair (the dog is blowing his fur) . On top of this the Hulk is potty training and so Madmummy  had to stop what she was doing several times to blow bubbles and offer a round of applause (or if he hadn’t been successful go get the kitchen roll and/or a mop).

Madmummy’s hay fever had improved, due for the downpour, but the weather was not helping the mood of all 3 of them . She had to literally fight Jabbermonkey into his school uniform (he had been watching Kung Fu Panda) . She then forced the Hulk into his coat and into the buggy..  The Hulk cried hysterically all the way, as he dislikes ran and despises the rain-cover (he was also tired and so hated the world).

Having dropped Jabbermonkey off Madmummy had pushed the ever-creaking double biggy home, wondering if this seemed more of an effort a)become the Hulk had gained more weight, b) the pushchair was getting old and rusty or c) she was getting old and weak. Having concluded that it  was likely a combination of the three,  Madmummy realised a) that the Hulk had ried himself asleep, b) her foot was getting soaked as rain poured through a hole in her pumps and c) she had  turned the hot water on that morning.  The promise of a bath pumped blood into her veins. Madmummy had another desire however.To eat something tastier and healthier than that god-awful pizza. She didn’t wish to risk not getting one of these treats, if the Hulk awoke before she had both. So she decided to combine the two. Now she simultaneously soaks and eats. The only drawback the occasional soggy lettuce leaf .


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