So last week Madmummy saw an advertisement on Facebook for a new Iphone waterproof case. “If only” she thought wistfully, as she remembered the demise of her old iphone 4. Her toddler-addled brain recalls that it was sometime in the last 2 years, as both Jabbermonkey and the Hulk were there. She and hubbykins had decided to take both boys swimming. Madmummy believes it may have been Hulks first time, however this fact is overcast by the needless death of Madmummy’s mobile.
Having been swimming for over an hour with the boys, (she vaguely recalls they both enjoyed) she had taken Hulk to the changing room to get dressed. She recalls vividly the moment she removed her swimming costume. The clatter of metal on tile. She can still picture in her mind the white case of her beloved Iphone shinning up at her from the damp floor
She can still feel the flow of emotions from confusion, to realisation and then to horror!
She had felt desperation, hope and panic as she tried to revive her phone. She blew the water from the Aux socket and pressed its power button as though administering CPR. But to no avail.
After a few minutes she remembered that the Hulk was still sitting on the bench shivering. So she had swallowed her grief and continued her motherly duties.
The other memory that is very clear from that day , is the moment that she told Hubbykins that she had taken her Iphone swimming with her. It was more his reaction that Madmummy remembers. Her reluctance to tell him was not from fear of anger or berating but from embarrassment. Unsurprisingly,his first reaction was to laugh. His second reaction was to laugh. His third reaction was to go outside to laugh some more. His forth to crack jokes for the remainder of the day and sing songs like “Sitting on the dock of a bay- watching my phone float away.” So infectious and continuous was the mirth of hubbykins that Madmummy’s genuine feeling of loss quickly faded.
Over the days that followed Madmummy made several attempts to bring her phone back to life. But after two weeks in a box of rice in the airing cupboard, she had to declare her old phone – a gonner.
It it now safely buried in the hallow and sacred space that is her sock drawer.
So just what was Madmummy’s Iphone doing down her swimming costume and what does this have to do with the title of this post?
Well since having two children Madmummy’s hips and tummy can no longer be restrained in the unyielding denim of a pair of jeans. Formally a jean-lover the 10 pairs she still posses lie in the bottom shelf of the wardrobe – neglected for over 24 months now. She still keeps them, out of nostalgia and vain hopefulness. You never know she could win the lottery and get liposuction one day. What logic in this fantasy would prevent her purchasing all new jeans? She knows not.
So she has discovered and come to love a new versatile and comfortable leg attire. Luckily for her these are popular, freely available and fashionable. They are of course the trusty leggings. She owns several pairs of black and a few with more colorful designs. Madmummy finds the combination of leggings with A-line dress-tops very flattering for her hourglass shape. They are also suitable for the mini workouts she tries to squeeze in during her day and she can wear them out on about and still feel presentable.
Though comfortable and practical in all other respects they do lack pockets. Like many modern mums, Madmummy is afflicted with an attachment disorder and cannot be parted from her phone. What if someone were to call when she was on her way to the school? What if she is waiting at a bus stop, and misses an opportunity to read a Facebook post from a old friend of her cousin’s boyfiend’s mother.
So, since donning the leggings 3 years ago, Madmummy has gotten into the habit of pushing her phone down her bra. Usually her left side. She has done some research into whether this practice might have any adverse medical side effects. However it seems she is the only nutter who does this and there has been no previous research conducted. Madmummy would not recommend this practice to others and has tried to kick the habit. However she does find it very convenient to have her phone tucked somewhere close at hand – plus it is not a place usually targeted by thieves.
However, as the story above illustrates it has had its drawbacks. On the day in question Madmummy had done the sensible thing of putting her swimming costume on under her clothes -ready for a fast and easy changing room experience. She had then done the not-so-sensible thing of pushing her phone down her swimsuit top. Her short term memory had decided to throw this information at the back of the cupboard of her mind, rather than on the side next to the keys. And so she had swum, oblivious, for over 100 minutes, as her phone drowned.
Needless to say Madmummy is more careful these days, but she still uses her bra as a phone holster on a day to day basis. Unfortunately, if she doesn’t engage the lock her phone, the touchscreen can get activated. Sometimes her nipple takes the odd photo of the inside of her bra, sometimes it decided to delete half her apps. But on a number of occasions it has dialed the number of the last person in her “recent-call list”( unknown to her). Until, that is her mother, hubbykins or indeed manager calls her and asks why she phoned. To which she must reply “I’m sorry I think my left breast rang you by mistake.”